This entry may be a little more personal than the others, but I think it's worth including. Recently, I have been thinking about the fact that James and I are creating the space that will hold our dreams. Now a normal person would be really excited about this, and I am! I'm more than excited. I'm grateful. I am having visions of what it will be like and I can tell you it's going to be magical. But there is also a part of me that is scared. What if I fail? What if I don't live up to James' expectations? What if I don't live up to my own? I am sometimes my own worst enemy.
I have been looking around at people who are younger than I am because that is the group that I choose to be around. They are in a stage in life where they are exploring the world, continually learning about themselves and figuring out how they view the universe. (Some of them have it more figured out than I do!) It's inspiring! It's where I am as well. It's where I chose to put myself almost 6 years ago when I chose to leave teaching and go back to school. I was too afraid to ask the hard questions of the universe when I was in school the first time and that attitude just carried on through into my adult life. When I made the big change, I decided to change more than my vocation. I wanted to change myself. Ironically, I think that all of the adventures I've been on and all of the things that I've learned (and continue to learn) are going to lead me right back to teaching.
I've been seeing people travel to far off and exotic places and I've been jealous because I remember all of the things that I learned when I traveled and how I grew. I have feared that staying in one place has caused me to forget about the lessons. But I'm realizing more and more every day that because of what James and I are doing, I'm on an adventure right here at home. I'm still meeting new people from different cultures. I'm still getting lost and finding my way back to home base (just like I did every time I moved to a new city in Italy). Now it's more of a getting lost when it comes to figuring out how to solve a problem that I have with either a friendship or figuring out what to do next with plans. And I am learning ALL KINDS OF THINGS about myself and life. So why would I compare myself to others? Why would I do that to my peace of mind? Well, I'm not going to allow it anymore. I know that I have everything I need to be happy and I always will...whatever happens. I am not on someone else's journey. I'm on my own and even though I admire other people, I need to remember that I am special too. There is nobody else like me on the face of the earth and I am so grateful for that because I love my life.
The really funny thing is that on all of my previous travels, I have wished for a friend to share them with. I have wished for someone that I truly cared about to see what I saw and experience what I experienced. I knew that I was meant to see those things on my own then and that's where the learning took place. I needed to find inside of myself the strength and courage to find my way back and to be ok on my own. And I found it. But now that I'm on a different kind of journey here at home, I've found the perfect friend to share in these adventures. In fact, I think we found each other. I know that it is fate or serendipity or whatever else you want to call it.
James is one of my best friends now and through our many conversations and time spent together, he has helped me to see the world in a way that brings peace and balance. I know it sounds crazy, but the things I've heard other people say that have brought so much stress to a relationship during a renovation are the things that I look forward to. I want to pick out tile with him. I want to see what kind of a good deal we're going to find on appliances. I want to solve problems with him. Every little detail is important to me and figuring out the solutions to issues that will come up will only help us to know each other better and to be more in tune with each other, as well. That can only bring good things for the project and our friendship.
Every choice we make relating to this building and the school to come will be made even more special because we're sharing the adventure. And this adventure is pointing us in a direction of creating something that will not only improve our own lives, but the lives of people around us. That is our shared destination and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that I get to share this journey with James.